I’m sure that many of you out there can relate, but for the last few weeks I’ve let my anxiety get to me and cause me to nearly shut down. I recently had testing done to my thyroid and will be seeing a surgeon next week for a consult. I feel sure that with my family history of thyroid cancer, it’s probably the same for me and the fact that I’ve known for nearly a year that I had an issue in there that I didn’t want to confront makes me nervous. Have I waited too long? I guess we will see.
And what about this Covid19? I was worried many weeks ago and started stocking up on staple foods and meds. (I still only bought 3 bottles of hand sanitizer but I also bought 25 lbs of rice and two huge bags of black beans) I had hoped it was in vain but now it seems it wasn’t. It’s just as terrifying as I thought it would be. Also this week my daughter who lives in Maui was flown to Oahu for a company dinner that I was confident could wait, rather than putting her in the airport and airplanes twice, as well as more public places where she could easily come into contact with someone carrying the virus. On that day, it was hard for me to breathe. Literally.
And the stock market! Of course I’m worried about our retirement. Who wants to work until they are eighty?
Then you throw in the grim prognosis of my dear pup that I love so much, and worry over my elderly parents, my anxiety reached crippling levels. In reply, my body revolted in throwing me into one of my worst flares yet. Pain. Swelling. Break outs. Fatigue. Loss of appetite. All those fun things brought on by stress and my body’s eagerness to dive into fight or flight mode.
It was too much.
So yesterday I stopped reading articles online. Turned off the television news. Put my phone away.
I went outside and found a quiet place and asked myself where does all this fear come from?
Is it from the possibility of those I love dying, or of me dying?
I think it’s both.
So I went back to my bookshelf and pulled out some favorites to try to calm me. Over the last twenty-five years or so I guess you could say I’ve had a very deep interest in subjects that relate to life after death. I’ve read dozens of books and done even more of my own research into articles and clips of discussions of things related. I’ve watched documentaries, movies, and followed any stories I have found about those who claim to have died and seen the afterlife, then returned to their bodies. I’ve sat through years of church services and lectures about heaven. Let me say here that I am not religious. However, I am very spiritual and have been since I was a young girl.
All that to say, what all my research has led me to is that I believe in a higher power. God. I also believe that when we are dead, our spirits are still connected to those we love on earth and we can see and hear them, and even help them grow in their own journeys. I think that those on the other side give us signs all the time that they are with us. Gifts of encouragement, if you will. Like the heart of pine needles I walked up on after a bad few days of questioning my very existence. (I wrote about it a few posts back) Or the time that I was begging my grandmother to show me a sign and a few nights later I was up very late, alone, and smelled her sweet perfume rise up all around me. Or the tiny feather that fell from the ceiling, out of nowhere and slowly drifted onto my Kindle right in front of my face.
Sweet gifts and proof that our loved ones are around us. Maybe you have had a few yourself?
Do you want to get technical? I think that our spirits are permanent, and our bodies are temporary, donned for each particular journey we are sent to earth for in which we go through a life to learn, and elevate our spirits to a higher level with each lesson accomplished. I think we’ve all lived many past lives and have more before us and those in our inner circle will be in our other lives, but play different roles. (Example: your sister in this life might be your mother in another life)
Why are we here?
In my opinion, we are here to learn the greatest lesson of all, to be kind and compassionate in all we do. In a nutshell, it’s all about love.
Not a romantic or sexy love, but a love that reaches out to everyone who is in our life path.
I think that each life is mapped out for you, with a destination and time limit already in place, but you have the free will to make as many detours as you choose on the way. It’s free will and yes, sometimes that free will can result in tragedy and an early death. Might be your free will or that of someone else. Those detours or paths we take along the way are okay, and meant for us to learn from.
Sometimes we veer into a dead end or a path that causes us to be lost.
It is then that I think we are supposed to use the gifts that God gave each of us to find our way back. And guess what? If you don’t, you’ll get another chance at it in another life. It’s important that as we grow older, we figure out what each of us are meant to do to help others in their life journeys. Each person that is put in your life, is put there for a reason. For example, I’ve had a rocky relationship off and on with my twin sister over the years. But this year when she’s going through a lot of hard trials, I finally figured out that because her life path and mine are connected, her trials are a part of my life lessons. Even during the times I want to wring her neck, I think I’m supposed to hang in there, bite my tongue and try to help guide her and show her compassion and kindness.
So this is what else I’ve learned. Subject to change at any time, of course…
We are all going to die. Some from the Covid19 and some of us from other things. It’s inevitable. But when I die, I am completely confident that I will get a respite in a wonderful, euphoric, place of peace surrounded by God’s light and the light of others. I’ll go through a life review that will either make me humble or proud. Then I’ll rest. And finally I’ll move on to my next life and lessons that will bring me closer to the place of honor, bowing at God’s feet.
I just pray that when it’s my time to go, I will have done enough and showed enough kindness to have left a legacy of love behind me. And you’d better believe I’ll be around, working hard to send my family little gifts of encouragement and signs that I am there. In the eyes of a sweet pup, or the light fluttering of a hummingbird, or the whisper of the wind in a peaceful moment.
So I try to fear not.
And just spread kindness.