It has been a very hard and lengthy battle in the promise I made to Xiao Gou many years ago, but because God put me in touch with several angels along the way, she is finally home! To keep her privacy and allow her time to settle in, I can only say very little. But just a few tidbits to make you smile:

Xiao Gou is now Mia.

She has been lovingly enveloped into a huge and amazing family.

This has been in the works for a long time and has been more difficult than you can ever imagine.

Most importantly, she is VERY happy!

To show you how God works, many years ago (2004/2005) when I first started advocating for Xiao Gou, I took her to a personal weekend event. There she met my good friends, Connie and Danny Peelman, who were also instantly captivated by her. Connie, on a plane going back to USA, sat next to a doctor and told him about Xiao Gou. He gave her the name of another doctor to contact. I contacted him and he suggested I contact a woman at an organization that sends medical mission teams to China. I sent an email to the Children of China Pediatric Foundation to plead for their help with Xiao Gou. There was so much that happened in between, but that one email set the wheels in motion for her to eventually come to the states to have surgeries and stay with the amazing doctor/wife team that became additional strong advocates for her, and most importantly allowed her to meet the people who she hoped would become her future family. She was sent back to China but fate’s reach had already begun to unwind and though no one knew what the outcome would be, many never lost sight of the goal.

A lot of tiny details had to come together and we met many obstacles along the way, even at one point not knowing where Xiao Gou had been taken from her SWI and moved to an undisclosed place! But with help on the China side and persistance, I found her again and with the invaluable assistance of a Chinese/American man who contacted me after he’d read my book and wanted to do something to help, we were able to put the broken threads together and once again put Xiao Gou back on track for a different outcome to her tragic story. With the help of so many others, her family resolutely jumped through every hoop and climbed every mountain until last weekend they brought her home. This has been going on since 2004, to tell you how much efforts were put into making this happen. So many angels were a huge part! Just to name a few….Connie & Danny Peelman, Tyrone Ball, Dot and Phil LaRussa, Gena Palumbo, Lou Hsu, Lucy Cai, Jeff and Vicky Neumeyer, Donna and Jerry, and of course, her amazing forever family who never gave up hope!

I was told something that absolutely let me know that God has been in this at every stage. And I publicly give him praise for guiding this journey. Last week while Xiao Gou and her mom were at the hotel pool in China just days before they were set to come home, Xiao Gou’s, excuse me…(love her new name!) Mia’s mom was sitting on the side and she met another adoptive mom who was adopting 2 children with special needs.  When Mia’s mom said how wonderful that was and wondered what inspired her to do this….the mom said she had read “Silent Tears” and wondered if Mia’s mom had ever heard of it.  Mia’s mom pointed to the little girl in the pool who was having the time of her life, Xiao Gou…(Mia).. and said….that’s the little girl in the book….

All I can say is that the world is not such a big place, after all.

Please leave a comment wishing Mia and her new family well and a big thank you to all of the angels who made this fairytale ending come true. You are also welcome to address Xiao Gou (Mia) if you’d like to leave her a message on how her story has touched your heart. I’m sure one day she will read this. I’ll add mine below, as well as include some photos that mean a lot to me.

“Mia, one day soon you may read this and I hope when you do, you will understand how much you meant to me and to a lot of other people who refused to let your dreams whither away. For such a little girl, you have an amazingly resilient spirit and you have touched the lives of many. YOU, kid, are the hero in this story. Love, Ti Ti.”

I’ve had a lot of emails asking for an update on Xiao Gou. What I can tell you right now is that she is still being advocated for and we hope to have very good news soon. She is doing well and still yearns for a family of her own. Please pray NOW that all the red tape will disintegrate and that can happen. Just as soon as I can, I’ll announce any great news. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support for her, she is a very special little girl. The following photo was taken earlier this year.

Some call it fate, I call it God working out his plans for Fu Ji through me.

Most of you know that I have been working behind the scenes for years to free Xiao Gou from her life sentence behind the cold walls of the orphanage.

Well, she was transferred from the orphanage that I knew her in to a very poor, isolated orphanage very far away. After some sleuth work and endless emails, inquiries, phone calls and prayers, we found her. However, this post isn’t about her–instead it is about meeting a silly, hilarous, happy little girl named Fu Ji

When I visited Xiao Gou last October, we were honored to meet her roomie. An adorable little girl about age 5 that was full of song and laughter, who when it was time for Amanda and I to leave, pleaded with us to “Hui Lai, hui lai..” [come back, come back] I can’t even find the words to describe how amazing her spirit was and how her disability didn’t seem to bother her. When I asked about her condition, I was told she was very fragile and could never go to school or even walk. That concerned me and if any of you know me by now– you know it was not to be the end of it for me.

Fast forward to a few months later and a man contacted me who had read my book. His name is Lou and he is a Chinese/American who lives in Texas. He wanted to know if I knew of other orphanages that could use his help. Lou is a very interesting man. He was born in China but came to the states many, many years ago. He never forgot his heritage and using his hard-earned financial means, he goes back to China often to do humanitarian projects; mostly in the Tibetan mountains for the really needy villages.

I told him about Xiao Gou and he and I have joined together to continue fighting for her rights. He went to personally meet her several weeks ago and I asked him to check on Fu Ji while he was there. It was my hope that he could get a better translation on what her actual disability is and what her prognosis is.

Lou came back with a report on Xiao Gou’s status, of which I still cannot discuss publicly, (But we are working on it!) and also was quite captivated by Fu Ji, just as we were.

Together we both tried to think of a way to help her. I remembered that I had once made the contact of an American doctor who came to operate on Xiao Gou while she was in China. Later, he was the doctor in America who did more for Xiao Gou when she came over to be fitted for her leg. I emailed him and told him about Fu Ji and asked his advice.

Coincidentally, when I discovered where Xiao Gou was last year, I had contacted him and he went to see her at her current orphanage to do a medical exam. While there, he got medical reports on many of the children. He looked through his files and located Fu Ji’s documents.

To make a long story short, Lou will be traveling back to China in May to again check on Xiao Gou, and the doctor will already be there with a foundation group to do some medical outreach in another region of China. The doctor has graciously offered to travel back to the SWI where Xiao Gou and Fu Ji live to meet Lou and examine both girls, and see if it is possible to set up a medical plan for Fu Ji.

Two little girls who would have never met if not for one fateful car accident several years ago. Without Xiao Gou coming to room with Fu Ji, who knows what heartbreak her future would hold. 

As for me, it is just a miracle and a blessing to me that I am still able to find a way to make a difference from the laptop located on my table in my cozy kitchen in the beautiful countryside of Georgia, USA. And admittedly, I am really nothing but the simple conduit that brings remarkable people together who use their gifts to help children. And a huge thank you to the Children of China Pediatrics Foundation. They have already done so much for Xiao Gou and other children in China.

Arriving at the orphanage brought on a huge feeling of déjà vu. From the narrow back alley leading to the ancient gates, to the laoren (old people) sitting around bundled in coats smoking their brown cigarettes, it was the same sort of sad atmosphere that I experienced at the other orphanage. However, it was obviously a much poorer institute, without the frills to impress visitors that I have seen previously.
 
Anticipation at a bursting point, we all exited the cars and the director immediately asked if we wanted to come to her office first or see Xiao Gou. Um…..hello….doesn’t she realize I flew half way around the world to see the girl who captured my heart so long ago? I was so close—I couldn’t possible sit through a short meeting knowing she was only a mere feet away. Lucy explained that I was too excited to see Xiao Gou and we headed to the big, gray building that housed the children. In the door, the director led us down the surprisingly clean but very cold hall. The red Chinese New Year decorations hanging from the ceiling floated gently in the wind as we passed below, making me wonder just who had created the art work. We passed a big room that appeared to be used as a school room at one time. Now the desks were just jumbled or stacked together and all but abandoned. There was a boy of about 12 or so standing at the window with his jacket pulled tight around him, just staring at the brick wall. I wondered why he wasn’t in school and also why our arrival didn’t even break his concentration for a minute. He continued to stare and we walked on by.

At a door marked with a 218, the director knocked gently. In only a few seconds, the door opened and there stood Xiao Gou with a huge, shy grin on her face. I am not even sure what was going on around me, or even what Amanda was saying, as I was so over-whelmed with emotion and awe that despite the many obstacles, I had found her. I do remember I called her name, “Xiao Gou!” and went to her and hugged her. She was happy, yet a little wary, and I wasn’t completely sure at first that she remembered us. She looked beautiful, despite her chopped off hair. I expected her to be taller, and at first I thought she hadn’t grown much but now that I think about how I used to tote her around, and how at her current height that would be impossible, I know she has indeed grown quite a bit. Her hair of course, was cut very short—which made me sad because I know what a prissy girl she is. She was wearing a long, pink coat and was using the same antique-looking crutch I had seen in a picture. I asked about the crutches that we donated that I mailed and they said they were too tall for her yet. The speed at which she moved with that one leg and one crutch is amazing—she uses quite a little wiggle and it was hard to see the technique under the long coat, but she doesn’t struggle at all to walk.
 
We sat down on the bed that the director said was Xiao Gou’s, and Xiao Gou sat between Amanda and I. Using my choppy Mandarin, I told her I had missed her very, very much. She didn’t reciprocate the words, but instead continued to give me a shy smile. Feeling a bit surreal at the situation, I brought out the little photo book we had made her, and we went through pictures of her with us in our house in China and of her with her friends in the other SWI. I would point at a picture of her and ask her who it was and she’d exclaim, “Wo!” –So she could recognize herself. Then I started pointing to ones of her and Amanda and she said, “Jie Jie“. (big sister) The only ones she didn’t recognize were of her friends in the orphanage, which I thought very strange. Maybe she has buried a lot of her memories from there, I am not sure.
 
When I called her Xiao Gou, she laughed and told Lucy that she had forgotten that was her name but we had reminded her. She was really pleased each time she heard it. The longer we were there, the more relaxed and playful she became, until she was cuddled fairly close to Amanda with me sitting near, trying to refrain from grabbing her and hugging and kissing her for an hour at least. I know to a little girl, three years is a long time and I didn’t want to come across too strong or scare her with my emotions, so I played it fairly cool.  However, it was obvious to those around us that I could not get enough of looking at her, and I am not sure if they heard the thumping of my heart or the silent prayers of thanksgiving that I was offering up for being able to be reunited with her. I wanted to drink in every moment with her and I wished desperately for some privacy that I knew would not come.

I wanted to know as much as possible about her current life situation so I started by asking questions about the room. Where does she sleep? Who sleeps beside her? Does the ayi sleep in the same room? What time does she go to school? What time does she come back? How is she doing in school? Does she take care of her own colostomy needs? Etc..etc..
 
We brought out the book of puzzles we brought her and with a very determined look on her face, she immediately started working on one. I told her not to pull out all the pieces because I really thought it was may be too difficult of a level for her. But as we all talked, she quickly put the puzzles together. During the ‘puzzle time’, the director told us Xiao Gou is the smartest girl in their orphanage and I believe it! Her personality was the same, if not a bit more serious. But snippets of her sassiness kept emerging and she let out a few magnificent giggles that were music to my ears.
 
The lady who is Xiao Gou’s ayi was there and she was quite overwhelmed with all of the commotion. I got a very good feeling from her and it was evident with the body language of the children that she is a good nanny. In that room she is in charge of care for Xiao Gou, a baby boy of about age 2 and an adorable 5-year-old girl named Fu Ji. The ayi has a bed in the room and I was relieved to see each bed had a thick quilt folded up on top, ready to use. It was amazingly cold in there! However, I spotted a heater high up on the wall and asked if it worked. They said it did and that made me feel better, even if it is only used to warm the room for baths. There was also a working television in the room and a table and two chairs used for eating meals. All in all, it was more cozy than I expected and a complete contradiction to the institutional atmosphere of the other orphanage I worked in. But that being said, it was still not a place I would want a child to live out their childhood. It was gray, cold and even with the attempt at brightening the atmosphere with various wall hangings and decorations, it brought me a heavy feeling of depression.
 
The other child in the room, Fu Ji, is the happiest girl I’ve ever seen in an orphanage! She kept smiling and rocking back and forth on her chair. She was so excited to see us so I soon told her to come join us on the bed. She hopped over as if she was saying, “I thought you’d never ask!” We brought out the Tootsie Pops and they were a huge hit. I did a no-no and stuffed several in the pockets of the girls. All this was going on with a small crowd of people watching everything and taking pictures—I really don’t think they are very accustomed to seeing foreigners. Despite her aversion to being the center of attention, Amanda did very well and just focused on Xiao Gou and Fu Ji, and blocked out the audience. The girls were obviously smitten with Amanda, and Xiao Gou even looked a bit jealous a few times when too much attention was given to Fu Ji. 
 
After some time, we had to say goodbye because the director wanted to take us to her office to partake in a snack of fruits. We promised Xiao Gou and Fu Ji that we’d be back tomorrow. Xiao Gou accepted our goodbye in her usual reserved manner while Fu Ji kept bellowing, “Mingtian hui lai! Mingtian hui Lai!” (Tomorrow come back!)

On the way to the office, the director asked if we would allow them to take us to dinner. Though we were starving, we were more exhausted and really didn’t have the energy to sit through a Chinese formal meal. But in China, it is all about formalities so we said yes.  After a few minutes of snacking on fruit (a banana never looked so good!), we headed to the restaurant.

Once we arrived at the busy Chinese restaurant, I had a problem. It had been a full day (no pun intended) without even once using the bathroom and even though I had put my bladder through Olympic training before leaving the states, I had pushed it way past its limits. I asked to use the restroom and psyched myself up for the traditional Chinese toilet. But lo and behold, it was Western-style toilet! But hold your applause, because it was marked with footprints and soaked with pee, which meant I would have to hover. There was not enough toilet paper available for wiping the seat clean, so I prepared for business.

Unfortunately, my back is not what it used to be so I had to beg-plead-bargain assistance from Amanda. She had to hold my shoulders as I hovered because my back muscles (and frequent spasms) would not allow me to hold myself up in that precarious position for more than 10 seconds. Unfortunately, the room was tiny, (it only held one toilet) and everyone was sitting on the other side of the door, and could obviously hear us. Amanda felt like she couldn’t hold on to me long enough, as I was holding close to 10 gallons in my reserve tank. It just wouldn’t stop and my cut off valve was not functioning! So she started saying, “I have to let go, Mama! I can’t hold you!”
 
I was laughing and yelling, “NO! Amanda! Don’t let go! Don’t let me fall on the pee!” We were both hysterical with laughter— it had been a physically and emotionally exhausting day that had started at 4 am, and I think we were past silly and rounding the bend of delirious. I was finally able to stop the flow before she dumped me on the wet seat, and I realized my training should have included hovering instead of just holding.
 
So– now that I’ve told way too much– back to the meal. We sat down and the first thing they do is bring us forks! How embarrassing, but we didn’t use them. We were a little rusty on the chopsticks but got the hang of it after awhile. We would have made Ben proud because we really tried most things (except fish for me) and didn’t even squirm at the whole birdies or the shrimps with antennas and eyes. Many of the dishes were familiar and I believe the director was pleased with our willingness to try their food. She may not have realized, but that wasn’t my first Chinese meal. She did insist, however, that me and Amanda have some Bai Jiu. (White liquor) I continued to say no and she was disappointed. I know that she wanted to use it to make toasts— as she made about 50, but they instead used their milk or water, and we used coke. Each time she would stand up and make a toast, Amanda and I would also jump to our feet and we had no idea what she was toasting to. We caught a few words here and there but her local dialect was almost impossible for our amateur ears to understand.
 
I was so relieved that the director was such a nice woman. Her compassion and politeness towards us was pleasantly surprising. It is really humbling to be treated like such significant guests, when I know that we are really just average, everyday people. The formal meal, just like I remembered, seemed to go on forever. I waited the appropriate time and then began asking questions about Xiao Gou. I felt that with the unknowns of Lucy staying or not staying with me to translate, I had better get as much information as possible while I had the chance. My focus never wavered, I knew I was not there to enjoy a fancy meal or rub elbows with important people. My reason for this journey was sitting in a frigid room, in an all but forgotten building, miles away.

That is all for now. The next day after a nice visit and a shopping trip with Xiao Gou for her and the rest of the orphanage, and her being pushed around the store in a shopping cart by Amanda, the story takes a dramatic turn.  I faced a few minutes of complete fear, along with some positive feedback mingled in with negative news. Because of the sensitive nature of Xiao Gou’s story and the realization that random words can affect the fate of a child, I will only tell more of our story when we get our happy ending. It may be still just out of reach, but I will never give up. For now, I will continue to tell myself that my gut says Xiao Gou is in as safe as a place as can be expected for the moment, and that she has an ayi that genuinely cares for her.

After our mostly uneventful but nail-biting ride to Shanghai, we stopped by our friend’s home to change out our clothing and then quickly joined our new driver, Mr. Chen, for the trip to Xiao Gou Town. We were both pleased with our initial impression of Chen Shu Fu, because he was respectful and courteous from the get go, he had a bigger-than-usual body build for a Chinese (we are thinking body guard), and he was very confident in his mannerisms. We climbed in and asked him to take us to get lunch at Mai Dang Lao. This is our first McDonalds break of the whole trip and I was proud we had held out so long, but was unsure of what would meet us in Xiao Gou Town so it was a ‘last meal’ sort of thing.
 
We jumped out at a busy corner and he told us he’d pick us up at the same corner in 30 minutes. After eating, we made our way to the corner and I immediately realized that I did not know what distinguished our van from the million others and embarrassingly, that I would not be able to even recognize the driver! As each silver van came by us, Amanda jokingly said, “Are you our driver? Are you our driver? Are YOU our driver?”
 
Then Amanda impressed me with her recall skills by thinking hard and remembering the van had a flower on the dash, a Winnie Pooh in the corner and a Hello Kitty in the back window. Seriously. Now we only had to look for the Disney van. When HE actually spotted US, we were once again on our way.
 
About two hours into the road trip, we were freezing! I asked the Chen Shu Fu to turn on the heat but instead he just opened the vents for more cold air to come in. Soon my feet (and Amanda’s) were like blocks of ice, and I felt like the worst mother ever because I didn’t want to crawl up to the front seat air controls and take charge. I didn’t want to set the trip off on a bad note, so we just suffered in silence. It was already a stressful situation, as I watched the speedometer hover between 140 to 160 kph, which converts to over 100-110 miles per hour. Each time a car or truck would pull in front of us, every muscle in my body would contract as I prayed we would avoid a collision.
 
A few miles later we pulled off on the side of the highway to wait for Lucy and her friend to meet us. I didn’t really want to get out but Chen Shu Fu insisted, so we did and the many trucks rushed by and didn’t even try to get over, instead it seemed they got as close as possible and rocked us every time as we stood shivering in the emergency lane. I was getting impatient when God sent a diversion. I looked over to the other side of the highway where a van and car were parked and people gathered around. It looked like a caravan of families. What really caught my eye was the chicken that escaped the van and the chaos that ensued as the family members tried to catch the chicken and keep him from running out in front of the big trucks. Soon they circled her but she out-smarted them and did a sharp right then a flutter and was over the side rail, down the embankment. With a final squawk and a few feathers in the wind, she was gone. Amanda was taking pictures and the older lady spotted her and yelled at us, “Bu Yao! Blah blah blah.” Wow–I didn’t know taking pics of a chicken on the lam was illegal. Avoiding eye contact with the aggravated chicken-chasing-grandma, we got back in the van.   
 
Finally another car load of people stopped on the other side and a flurry of dark heads rushed six lanes of traffic to greet us. Lucy, her mother, father, uncle, son and friend all presented themselves, smiling ear-to-ear. Lucy insisted that I hold her son so that she could get a picture of us together. However, her son was not accustomed to foreigners and was terrified of me. We finally got one decent picture, I gave him the toy trucks and requested American toddler cookies, and then we were all on our way.
 
Settled in the van again, Lucy explained that her friend, Ling Ling, was a back up translator. Ling Ling and Lucy went to school together and then Ling Ling went on to become a primary school teacher, specializing in teaching English. That turned out to be ironic because perhaps her English was good, but we didn’t really get to experience it because she was so shy, each time we’d try to speak to her she would turn away and hide behind Lucy.  She was however, a very sweet girl.
 
We made small talk as much as possible and then I slipped into a contemplative mood as I watched the scenery fly by and wondered what Xiao Gou had been thinking as she was transported from the first orphanage to Xiao Gou Town. Was she excited? Fearful? Anticipating finally having a family?
 
Another three hours of chit chat and high speeds, and we pulled into the city of Xiao Gou Town. Quite unlike any Chinese city I have seen and honestly, upon first view was quite depressing. Everywhere I looked I only saw gray buildings, polluted skies and fatigued people on their way home from work. I knew we would not be finding any other foreigners, and Amanda’s hope for a Starbucks was dashed immediately. Judging by the atmosphere, people, buildings and traffic, Xiao Gou Town is a very industrial small city.
 
Lucy called the orphanage director and asked if we could see Xiao Gou, even though it was late. She said yes because they had told her we were coming and Xiao Gou was kept out of school and had been waiting all day! When Lucy told me that, the rumbling stomach, freezing feet and aching back no longer longed for a warm hotel room. I just wanted to see my girl.
 
We pulled into a busy gas station to wait for the director to meet us and lead us to the orphanage. The director arrived in her small car and after a quick round of introductions; she led us through the dusty streets of Xiao Gou Town and down the winding alleys to the orphanage where a special little girl sat waiting impatiently for us.
 
Anticipation? Just think if you were me! …..continued very soon, I promise.

There are still many doubts about the dependability of my driver and translator, but at this point I just have to hope it all comes together.  I had an issue finding a way from our old town to Shanghai to meet the driver, and when I requested he back track from Shanghai to pick me up, he said he would have to add another 1000 rmb, which is highway robbery (no pun intended). So I called Lucy and she found a friend of hers to pick us up at 8am to transport us down the highway to Shanghai to meet the driver– and he will charge only 300. Then we will go to our friend’s house, get our luggage repacked and take off for Xiao Gou Town at 11 am. Lucy is now meeting us half way between the two points, on the highway, and is bringing her new son for me to meet. (W’e'll meet on the highway, then he will go home with his grandparents!) Lucy and a friend will get in the van and accompany us the rest of the way to Xiao Gou Town. She is bringing a friend because Lucy cannot stay the entire time to translate the complicated issues. So her friend is going to stay on with me at the the hotel. The drive is now estimated at 6 hours, so if we only stop for once, should get us to the hotel at dinnertime. I don’t know if they’ll allow me to see Xiao Gou that late, but we will see.  

Oh– once last thing. We got in the taxi today and Mr. Friendly Taxi Driver With No Teeth knew only three English words. It went something like this:

Taxi Man: Ni Hao!

Amanda: Ni Hao.

Taxi Man: Ni guo lai shenme? (where you from?)

Amanda: Mei Guo (America)

Taxi Man: U.S.A!

Amanda: Dui ba. (right)

Taxi Man: U.S.A. OBAMA!

Us in unison: Obama Bu Hao! (bad)

Taxi Man: Bu Xi huan? (don’t like?)

Us in unison: Bu Xi Huan! (don’t like)

Taxi Man: Xi Huan Bush?

Us: Laughter 

A very comical exchange that made me very nervous because the driver could not possibly be watching the road while he is staring in the mirror at us the whole time. Just another funny moment in China. 

*Disclaimer: My apologies to the Democratic party members who may be reading this post. To be truthful, I am really the most unpolitical person you will ever meet, but thought it would be interesting to egg the taxi driver on a bit. But….I didn’t vote Obama. (no applause needed)

P.S. Please do not respond with political comments, this was for entertainment purposes only.

Day three in China and of course, nothing goes smoothly here. For weeks (months, maybe?) I have had all the arrangements made with Lucy for her to accompany me on the road trip to the city to see Xiao Gou, and act as a translator and guide for us. She is the only one who has communicated with the orphanage directors and has paved the way for me to come. Most importantly to me, I also planned to use her to explain to Xiao Gou why I left, and that she has many people interested in helping her and that we’ll be here to assist her in the future.  

Today Lucy sent me an email to tell me she cannot go along with me but instead will meet me there. Will she show? I am not confident, but at this point it is my only option. Now we must take a long road trip with a driver that does not speak any English and who we have never met. 

Oh well, I knew coming into this that I would meet snags along the way. That is just China. Whatever happens, we’ll make do. If I have to, I’ll show up at whatever is the ‘gathering’ place for young college aged kids near Xiao Gou and find one who speaks great English and has a kind heart–and pay them to be my friend.

Jetlag has seriously kicked my tail. Today I woke up very sick with a slamming headache and nausea. It has finally faded mostly away but this morning I actually doubted everything—I thought who am I to try to take on something this big? Something this complicated, confusing, dangerous and chaotic? But I am now back to myself, have a better attitude and am ready to roll. We’ll leave in a few minutes for our old home town, and I hope to accomplish a lot there.

Yesterday was a great mother/daughter day for us. I wanted it to be one day that was all about Amanda. So we walked around taking photos, ate lunch, shopped a bit and got a massage. We had a moment of hilarity in the spa salon– it was so dark we were stumbling around trying to get to the appropriate rooms. One spa lady kept peering around corners to sneak a peek at us and Amanda was looking right at her one time when the lady just fell out of sight. Literally—it was dark and she missed a step and just fell. Maybe not so funny without the visual, I guess you had to be there. Amanda laughed and laughed while I hushed her to keep quiet.  And don’t worry–the lady was fine. Amanda really enjoyed her massage and that is good, because I told her it is her last one!

We also went to Starbucks and a Chinese guy waited outside the door for 45 minutes just so he could talk to us. I saw him standing out there but didn’t know he wanted us until we stepped out. He spoke only Mandarin and we did really well communicating with him. His wish was to exchange emails and phone numbers so that he could work on his English. He was very friendly, and we did give him our email address. I am not totally crazy, though, as I declined to answer him when he asked where we were staying. He invited us to lunch for a Chinese meal (maybe in his home?) when we return to Shanghai next week. We told him maybe, but we know we won’t go. That would be awkward and possibly a bit dangerous. I asked him if he had a Tai Tai (Mrs) and he laughed and replied no. I asked him how old he was and when he answered 30, I showed mock shock and asked him, “Why no tai tai?”. He went into a lengthy explanation, something about needing a house first, etc.. I do remember in the Chinese culture that usually the boyfriend will get a good job then a house (apartment) before proposing. I’ll admit, I love that approach!

We finally were able to extract ourselves after about half an hour. He was really nice and it was a great cultural moment for Amanda to remember. Seeking out a school in the states that has a Chinese language program has really paid off. Amanda’s Mandarin skills are excellent, much better than mine. However, there were a few things that I caught and had to explain to her. It’s amazing how so much of the what we learned has come back to us now that we are in China. Though some words I knew very well have totally slipped my mind–it’s like having a word on the tip of your tongue but not able to grasp it. Amanda and I have learned different situational vocabulary words, mine being more practical in just every day use.  She is much better at comprehension, my ears seem to have lost the ability to catch on quickly to their foreign dialects. But I can’t wait to blow her socks off at the orphanage, and since she has been showing off I can get her back.

*smile*

Wow– what a ride! 25 hours later we arrived in China. I had forgotten how brutal the trip is, especially in Coach class. I found out our original flight was cancelled because of tornado warnings in Chicago, which led to us having to get up at 2.30 am to make another flight. So we started the whole trip on less than 3 hours sleep, already in the red. But we made it and are back in the Land of Chaos. I made some calls last night about the trip to see Xiao Gou and found out (if this is accurate) that Lucy told me the ride that was to be 10-12 hours is only 6 hours at the most. I am quite worried that they might not be taking us to the right place—but there is nothing more I can do, the driver who is helping me to hire my own driver says he understands exactly where the orphanage is. I sort of have the feeling of a ‘wild goose chase’ coming on, and being the control freak I am, this is hard for me to sit back and put our faith in other people who are making the final arrangements. Obviously, I don’t know the map that leads to Xiao Gou, so I am going to pray we end up in the right place.

I’ll admit that being back in China feels surreal. It hasn’t really sunk in yet, since we got in last night we have been closed in, but we’ll see how we feel after getting out and about today. There were two Chinese boy toddlers in sight during the whole flight and memories kept flying back at me, faces I remembered, thoughts about children who suffered, and those who made me smile with their antics. I am sure this trip is going to be an emotional roller coaster for me and probably Amanda as we once again struggle to be thankful for where we are in life and try to not wish for our old life as China expats. Just being back on China soil makes me feel useful again in a way that only following your passion can make you feel. —stay tuned for more.

The decision has been made and the tickets are bought. Generous, compassionate sponsors have stepped forward to provide the means needed to make this happen. The day after tomorrow, Amanda and I will be on our way to China to see Xiao Gou and make a stand on behalf of her future. Now that this journey has been set in motion, the anticipation blends with worry, doubt, excitement and a huge sense of responsibility. I am only one woman—how can I make enough of an impact to help this girl that fate has stomped on so many times in her short history? Doubt plagues me at night and the scenarios of robbery, kidnapping and car accidents on Chinese highways swirl in my mind, preventing me from a restful sleep.  It is only now that I realize how protected we were while living in China under the corporate umbrella of an expatriate assignment. I’ll admit it now that we were quite pampered; only the best drivers were hired, we frequented only the most reputable hotels and lived in compounds with top security. This time around I am on my own—no protection, proven driver or reservations in fancy hotels. I will be doing what I can to save on funds and when a hotel is a must, we will not be mingling among foreigners. Instead we’ll be rubbing elbows with the real people of China, and obviously, that is the way it should be and I look forward to experiencing a different type of experience than I did before. (with a touch of anxiety, in all honesty)

I would feel much better if I was taking this challenge alone and it was only my own safety to worry over.  That is not possible because Amanda would never let me leave her behind, as she has grieved leaving China for the past three years. She is now counting down until takeoff and that is all she can focus on. I know she has matured to the point that she will be an easy partner and she has a job to fulfill—to be my photographer and videographer to journal this quest. But because of my duty to protect Amanda, all of my decisions will be carefully considered. I pray that she will not get sick or hurt because unlike before when one of us was deathly ill and the company sent in a team and private jet to evacuate us out of China, this time the only resources available will be those around us that I can secure within reach and without a giant corporation pulling the strings and breaking through the red tape on our behalf.

During my daytime hours I am working through my list of items to accomplish as questions about Xiao Gou push for my attention. How will she react when we meet again? Will she remember me? Will she come to me or turn away? Does she feel that I also abandoned her? Will she be able to understand me? Will my presence improve her circumstances or cause her more problems? Will this journey ultimately end in failure? Maybe so—but I know that I cannot go on wondering if there was anything more I could do to help her. I cannot continue to ignore the voice in my ear telling me to ‘Go, Go, Go’.  If all else fails, I will at least have had the chance to talk to her and make her understand that leaving her behind when I moved back to the states was my only option, and that I continued to advocate on her behalf from afar.

In this moment when just seeing Xiao Gou’s beautiful face is a reachable goal, it is hard to focus on anything else. However, I know that there is a possibility that God is opening this door once again to lead me to a new mission. I have to keep my ears, eyes and heart open to what I am supposed to learn from this, and how I can use this opportunity to follow God’s will. Of course, my heart’s desires are to gather that child and run with her. But what if her destiny is not supposed to be wrapped up in my good intentions? I can’t imagine that she is where she is supposed to be—sitting in a deplorable orphanage with no one to genuinely love her—but who am I to change fate? I can try but if I fail, I must accept that I have done my best for her. In the past I have helped her but also failed her in some aspects, so what will this attempt bring? I don’t know and the wondering (obsessing) is not making my preparations any easier.

It still amazes me what this child has survived—an accident that ripped away her leg, her family and her dignity. One tragic second that resulted in changing this child’s life forever. When I last saw her, she was proving to me what a warrior she was to overcome so much pain, disappointment and function as if she didn’t even know the meaning of the word handicapped. She had settled in to her life and accepted her situation. Just when we thought her fate was set, a miracle happened and she was reunited with family—but then abandoned for a second time. How is she after this latest tragedy that has once again landed her in an orphanage? Is she still resilient? Or has her ability to persevere been damaged?

Two more days and we shall see.

The anticipation of returning to China to seek out my girl, Xiao Gou, has rendered me completely overwhelmed. If any of you have ever been in China as an expatriate, you know that despite the many hardships we encounter, we still have the protection and assistance of our host companies. This time I am completely on my own. Okay—not completely, because I’ve had generous sponsors to step up and help me make this journey to Xiao Gou possible. It’s not for me they are doing this, but rather to help a girl who has been wronged by her family, government and fate. Using my previous reputation in China as an advocate for their orphaned children, we all hope to be able to bring some relief to her life that has so far been filled with tragedy. That being said, coordinating the many details is still my responsibility.

Some of the issues I have been juggling since the trip has become a reality:

Fundraising was the first project to tackle and I have to admit, I have been blessed by generous people. Myself and my family raised part of the funds by having a yard sale (round two tomorrow), selling hubby’s golf clubs, pearl necklace drawing of which several of you have given to (thank you!), and utilizing reminbi funds left over from our time in China. However, the bigger chunk has come from two families who came to know Xiao Gou’s story through reading my book, Silent Tears. Moved by the injustice that life has dealt her, both families reached out to me to ask how they can help. The first family—I’ll just use his first name of Jeff, has corresponded with me for over a year to help me think through the options of how to best help Xiao Gou. He and his wife donated the funds to buy my airline tickets. The other family—who I have recently come to know through email correspondence– donated a substantial amount to make the journey a reality. Both families gave generously much more than I expected. Do I have enough? I don’t know—it is going to be a trip on a tight budget, but I’ll make it work somehow. Both families have adopted daughters from China. They have asked to remain anonymous for now but they know who they are and I am forever indebted to them for their kindness, as well as to the rest of you who are so generously supporting me through donations, prayers and encouragement.

Maybe a seemingly insignificant detail…but finding comfortable shoes to wear that will not increase my back problems as I trek through airports and on the ground in China. This has proved to be so difficult because I am a not a ‘sneaker type’ of girl and all of the comfy shoes for back problems have proven to be too ugly to buy. I know—such a trivial matter but based on experience, a necessary task. There is nothing that will magically take away the pain but I don’t want to intentionally intensify it! I also want to be in the best shape possible when I meet with Xiao Gou’s current guardians, to present myself as a confident and strong ally.

Securing a video camera in case they allow me to shoot some footage of Xiao Gou that will benefit her in the future. I actually went to Best Buy and traded in my Flip for a camcorder that would get better audio. I had to do some heavy explaining to get them to give me the store credit to use, since nothing was actually wrong with the Flip except for the poor audio quality. I’m going to miss that flippin’ Flip.

Booking a driver and van to take us into the under-developed, poor city that Xiao Gou is now residing. It is going to be a 10-12 hour drive from our take off point and I will need the driver to stay with us the whole week in order to bring us back. Through colleagues in China, we have discovered that it is quite expensive. Matter of fact, too expensive. Therefore we will probably be taking a train for most of the way and then transferring to a bus to take us the rest of the way into the small city. Once in China, I will secure train tickets and bus fare for the journey. Of course, I have the fear that I will not be able to pull this off—but I am trusting God that it will all come together.

Lodging! I will be staying in three different cities during my time in China. In my starting city, the grown children of my dear friend, Connie, have generously offered to open their home to us for a starting point and ending point before we fly back to the states. This is a huge burden to them but a huge burden off of me to find hotels during a month that an international expo is happening and reservations are slim and expensive. Thank you, Peelmans! Now, I am working with Lucy (some of you remember her, if not go to my website blog and find some postings about her) to reserve hotel rooms in Xiao Gou’s city. For the 3rd city, that is still being determined and I’ll probably have to find something once I get there—and that will be a comical exchange with a taxi driver as he will no doubt try to take me to the Marriott, which I won’t be able to afford.

Scheduling—working with the orphanage administrators for permission to visit when it is convenient to them to receive foreigners. Lucky for me I have Lucy, so emails are flying back and forth for discussions with them. I also plan to attempt a visit with Xiao Gou’s grandparents, who visit occasionally. I want to discuss with them what they feel Xiao Gou’s status is and what is planned for her future.

What to pack? I want to pack light, of course, but I have to think of what can go in our suitcase that can feed us during the time we are in Xiao Gou’s city. I am thinking Ramen Noodles might be our best friend, along with granola bars for sustenance. I also want to bring Xiao Gou a practical gift that she might be able to keep with her and not have taken away. Based on her love for drawing, I am thinking some art supplies. That then puts me in the position of what to bring the other children, of which I have no information. I think what I’ll do is wait to meet them, and then do a donation run at a local store. That is if I have any funds left to do it with! (Get into the pearl necklace fund-raising if you want to help! Drawing soon!) A doctor’s appointment to get a script for Cipro just in case we run into some bad food or water—I need to get on that!

Passport for daughter and Visa for both of us. The passport adventure resembled a Saturday Night Live skit: Get to the courthouse and meet my hubby who drove an hour from work—to be there only 20 minutes before closing. Take an important phone call on steps of courthouse and get in with only 8 minutes to spare. Then realize we need cash or check/money order for fees and only have a credit card. Run across the street to the gas station to get a money order but the guy tells us we have to pay for it in cash. RUN down the street to the drive up ATM and stand in line with the cars. Get cash, run back to gas station (in heels) to get cash, then jaywalk (I mean jayrun) across street, up stairs and through the courthouse doors that they have kept open 5 minutes past closing just for us. (Luckily Amanda told them why we were going to China and they had mercy). Apply and pay fees—passport task complete. Visa next.

Obviously, my nights lately have been sleepless with relentless questions swirling around in my head: Will Xiao Gou remember me? Will I be able to do something to help her? Will I get lost in China? Be killed in a train wreck? Remember how to speak Mandarin? Be able to find food my daughter and I can eat? Make a good impression on the orphanage directors? Get through the many flight connections and be at the proper gates in time? So many questions and a lot of uncertainty are with me right now. However, I feel secure in the fact that I am following God’s plan for myself and Xiao Gou. There is a reason that I cannot forget her and I refuse to shut that part of my life away. Please pray that I will have peace in this—and that all of the details will continue to come together.

Stay tuned for more obsessing from Kay Bratt!

P.S. Did you know that I hate the cold? It really intensifies my pain so I have re-learned this phrase to use with the hotel staff: Wo shi Meiguoren. Wode fang leng-si-le! Qing gei wo hai yao beitzi! Anyone want to take a guess? [My pinyin spelling may be off..]