Merry Christmas From Lucy!

Written by Kay on . Posted in A Chinese Perspective;Lucy

Merry Christmas!

Now my son has been in this world for more than 3 months now. In this 3 month, he gained 4.5kg while I lost 4.5 kg! I realized how difficult it is to bring up a child, especially at night, I always have to wake up to milk him…sometimes I really miss those days when I can sleep from 10pm to 10am non-stop. However, whenever I see my son smiling, all the pain are gone. He is growing like a little strong horse now, he can hear my voice and whenever I talk to him, he starts to smile at me, without any teeth. Hehehe…He is so cute!

For me, the 3 months was really long, too much fights between me and my husband for this immature marriage. I wanted to give up for a while, but how can I leave my son? How can I afford my son having no father? I don’t know. I started to become mature, marriage is not only for my feelings, but more important, for my son and for my parents. I don’t want them to be not happy so I have to endure this marriage. Also, I start to change myself, I have to face the world and adjust myself to have a better mood.

For Christmas, I bought my son a santa hat! I will buy a good camera for him as well! So I can record those beautiful moments for him. I hope one day when he grows up, he will see those pictures and say: Oh, is that me? Hehehe we don’t really celebrate Christmas here. Only for young generation like us, we prepare some presents for each other. The more important is Spring festival. I will write more on that later.
See my cute son!

Zai Jian from Lucy–

Lucy; Chapter Two

Written by Kay on . Posted in A Chinese Perspective;Lucy

lucy3Lucy takes on more questions from readers of Silent Tears:

1. What is the reality for a family that has a cleft palate baby? [Baby born with a hole in its mouth] I am sure I know the answer but would like to know what Lucy’s perspective is. My daughter was kept by her family for about a month. Lucy I know you have a difficult road right now but your son will cherish his life. Only you could give him that.” {Lucy, I think what she is asking is if a couple has a child who is born with a cleft lip or cleft palate, are they able to care for that child? So many children who have this disability are abandoned and later adopted.}

I think most families, if they can afford, are willing to spend time and money on their kids for curing cleft lip or cleft palate. Most abandon cases happened when the parents are not educated and only want sons (this still happens in rural village now). They abandon kids if they have sth like cleft lip or if its a baby girl. Also, another important reason is that, with one-child policy, most parents of course want a good and healthy kid. This is a cruel fact that if they dont abandon their unhealthy ones, they can NOT have the second child.

2. I adopted 2 daughters from china. Ask Lucy why The Birth moms don’t put a Birth date & name for their child on their child? Just wondering, I have heard that some Birth moms do this in china but never personally met them THANK YOU so much! {Lucy, when children are found abandoned, most have no information with them. It would be such a gift for the child to later know their REAL name and REAL birthdates, why do you think most children are found with no identification?}

Ah, this is very easy to explain, according to Chinese laws and regulations, its a crime to abandon kids and parents will go to jail if its proved that they abandoned their kids. Thats why most kids are found without any identification.

3. My daughter is HepB+, was she most likely abandoned because she was female, or could it have had something to do with this? Also, how do the Chinese view children with HepB? I was told it was kind of taboo…..Thanks! {Lucy, she means that many children who have tested positive for Hepatitis B are abandoned. Do you understand why the Chinese are so afraid of this and why they would abandon their children for having it? How are adults and children in China who have HepB treated? Or is it hidden?}

HepB? Ever since the baby was born, the hospital will inject vaccination for HepB and BCG to the baby and give parents a handbook of time schedule for different vaccinations that needed after. Its compulsary and the handbook is needed for kindgarden and schools. One month after birth, my son has received the second vaccination for HepB. However, this only happens in cities. In rural areas, its a bit different as parents dont pay high attention to these stuff.

Your daughter was abandoned mostly because shes a girl. Trust me, only after giving birth to a son, i realised whats the BIG difference between a baby girl and baby boy. People love sons and they think its a such a prime to have a son (even for my parents). Gender is much more important than other things. Anyway in your case, my instinctive is that the parents dont care HepB but most likely abandon her because she is a girl.

Hep B was not a taboo, one of my friends have this and we are still friends. But she didnt tell her boyfriend she had Hep B when they married. Now they had a daughter. Not sure whether it can be transferred to next generation as I heard it can be stopped through some vaccination at pregnancy. But generally, people who have Hep B are hiding it, and if found out, they can not go to school, maybe will lose their jobs as well because its contagious, thats why we are so afraid of it. With Vaccination, i hope there will be less and less stories like this….

4. My daughter was about 6 weeks old when she was abandoned…why would a birth family wait so long before abandoning a child? And how do they then explain the missing child after so much time? Thanks to Lucy for sharing her story and taking our questions!! {Lucy, she means that for us, keeping a child for a few days, weeks, or months would seem to make it impossible to later give them up. Many children were abandoned at the age of weeks or months (sometimes years). Why would a family keep the child that long and THEN later give them up or abandon them?}

Its NOT an easy choice for any family to abandon their kids as we are all humans and maybe have the same feelings for our sons and daughters.To abandon their own kids, it must come from a hard way. Also, its not easy to abandon kids as you have to do it in a way that police will not come and jail you. I dont know how they report and explain the missing child as in China, theres a part of people who can not be controlled by police as they move from one city to another city and this part of people, i believe, are the parents of most abandoned kids

In closing on this chapter from Lucy, I want us all to take even deeper notice of one sentence she writes, as I think many times we cannot fathom abandonment and lose sight of this sentiment: Its NOT an easy choice for any family to abandon their kids as we are all humans and maybe have the same feelings for our sons and daughters. To abandon their own kids, it must come from a hard way.

Lucy; Chapter One

Written by Kay on . Posted in A Chinese Perspective;Lucy

Lucy is my friend who I knew while in China and she has just recently had a son. Because she knows my passion to learn about the culture of China and the issues of abandonment, etc., she has agreed to be interviewed by me. She has also agreed to answer any questions YOU may have! Post them as comments and I’ll email them to her. Her answers are not changed in any way, she has very good English and has worked as a translator/tutor to the foreigners, which is how I met her. Not only is she very intelligent, but she has a big heart and is a great friend.

1. What is your son’s name?
Pei Yuan

2. When was he born?
Born in Sep, 2009.

3. Are you married? How old are you?
From legal way, yes, married. Ritually no. Registered married because in China, if you are not married, your baby is not allowed to be registered, which means he/she can NOT go to kindgarden, school…Of course, there are certain babies who are not registered here. Still, marriage is a VERY Hard choice for me.Im 25 years old now.

4. If you are not married, was it a hard choice to have your son? Did you ever consider abortion or abandoning him?
I had the baby before marriage(shame), and decided to keep the baby. Yes it was a very HARD choice. My family was very disappointed and asked me to take abortion. However, from the high education i received, im a pro-life and think abortion is the same as murder (Heheh;-)). So naturally me and my boyfriend registered marriage on 18th, July, 2009 and baby was born 2 months after.

5. How will you take care of him? Will he stay with an ayi?
My mother comes to Shanghai and take care of us now. Ayi is popular here to new mothers whose parents cant stay with them. I feel very lucky that my mother is here and look after me and my son physically and spiritually.

6. Will you work?
Yes. I was still working even on the day before the birth of my son, and go to work again after one month. I am supposed to have 4.5 months maternity leave but go to work so early because my job is too busy.

7. What is your plan to provide for him and his future?
He will be brought up as a normal Chinese, heheh. I will try my best to provide the best education for him.

8. Being a young pregnant woman, did you feel disappointment from elders in your life?
VERY MUCH and i felt guilty to my parents even now. They had very high expectation on my marriage and it turned out to be a mess at all. I dont know how to make it up to them. Now my son is 40 days and hes cuter and cuter. Looking at him, all the pain and tears i had are worthwhile.

Stay tuned for more chapters on Lucy and how she is dealing with life as a young mother in China.