Should Have Stayed
[Repost]
This is a “Cheer Up” picture for me. It was taken in our neighborhood in China when my sister came to visit. [She is the one without the sunglasses.]
Thursday night
Ben and I went to a Crisis Pregnancy Benefit. Our guest speaker was a man talking about his child, who was born with spina bifida and cannot walk. After he told his heart-warming story, he showed a video. The video showed his child with his little battle-scarred body, crawling around but still smiling and having hope. I sat at the table with tears sliding down my face, because I was suddenly overcome with so many memories of the children I left behind in China. As our assignment came to an end [accelerated by our wishes to get back to the states], I was more than ready to come home–to leave behind the sadness and frustrations I had carried for almost five years. Did I tell you I never said good-bye at the orphanage? I couldn’t. I sit here crying now because I am ashamed that I didn’t make myself go and look at those tiny faces one last time. The directors came to me–at my home to tell me their farewells. They took the time and trouble to find out where I lived and travel over with gifts for me. They were puzzled as to why I wouldn’t come back and let them give me a “Chinese farewell party.” The truth was, and still is, that I was ashamed that I was taking the easy road and coming back to my cushy life in America. My spirit had been crushed and I know I needed time to heal–but how I wish I was back there, finding new ways to help the children. I could have done more, pushed more, raised more money! Bottom line is that there was more of me to give. But for now, it is too late. I’ve moved on but those little faces will not just slide into the background. Will I ever get a chance to make it up to them? Who knows. Perhaps I deserve these constant memories and aching heart. After all, God put me over there for a reason. I came up with so many excuses as to why it was time to leave China but the truth is, I should have stayed.
Kay
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Comments (4)
Devin Smith
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Kay, every were we go in life, we make little impacts and changes. You made a big change to help improve the care and love for the children that are there, and still it goes on. You are still there in spirit. I have discovered a long time ago that I cannot change everything, but maybe some small way, I can make a slight difference , then others come and make more changes. God has his way and I do not question it. He put you there to help those kids, and please never thing you did not do enough. God still is working though you everyday. You made life for my daughter better. She was there then and she is a happy well gifted child because you cared. Thank YOU!!! Devin Smith
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Pam Dean
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Kay,
I just finished reading your book “Silent Tears”. As a mother of two, one biological son and one adopted from China 7 years ago, I am deeply moved by your devotion and heart for the orphans. You are a wonderful example of what a person can do when they give unselfishly. You have inspired me termendously. We have just started considering adopting a 6 -7 year old daughter from China in the last few months. I feel like God has placed this on our heart but in fear I can sometimes come up with reasons why we shouldn’t…we are too old, our son doesn’t want to do this, what if I can’t teach her (I homeschool my kids), on and on. I really think though that if this is from God, we should do it and he will give us the strength and wisdom to do it but it helps to read your book and be inspired to push through fear and the mounds of paperwork. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly and lovingly!! I am going to recommend your book to many friends!! With appreciation, Pam Dean
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Kay Bratt
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Pam,
Thank you for all of your support and for reading my story. Also, thank you for your honesty about your trepidation to jump back into the adoption process. I understand completely–but I know you will follow your heart and do what is best for your family. And you are right, you will find the strength it takes to get through the agonizing process as well as deal with all of the obstacles that will arise when your child comes home. Keep me updated about what you decide to do! Best, Kay.
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Sherry Kirby
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Dear Kay,
Thank you for sharing your life with the children in the orphanage and for sharing your very personal memoir with us. I am not able to have children but have always wanted to adopt internationally. Your book was definitely an eye opener not only to have fortunate we (Amercans’s) are but also to the suffering that these children endure. My best friend growing up was adopted from Korea where she was raised in an orphanage until 24 months and then brought to the U.S She would often share her albeit brief memories of foraging for food and attention as there were just too many children to care for. Thank you for your wonderful book and for taking the time to share and inspire others.
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